Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
