and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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