Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
