i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize