I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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