saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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