I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
