Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
