how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
