if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
