Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
