bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
