There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so let's talk penis.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
