I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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