I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
