I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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