Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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