i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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