I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
