i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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