he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
