just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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