I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
