We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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