it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
