You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
