my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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