just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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