I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
