toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
