im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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