how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
