A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
