if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
