I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
