Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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