Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
