So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
