If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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