forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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