you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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