so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
