just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need water and some morals
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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