last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
