time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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