Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
