We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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