seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
