Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
