I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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