Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
