If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
