how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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