I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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