how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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