Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
